The Labyrinth of my mind

Moving to my LJ

2005-12-14T17:45:00.000-08:00

So today sucked… At work we are behind for the beginning of tax season. We start in two weeks and haven’t hired anyone. My boss still hasn’t written out the rental agreements for me to take over on January first. His last son died Friday. He’s saying it’s a heart attack but I know it was an OD because I was friends with him and I know who fed him the shit. My boss had to go to the emergency room he’s so ill he can hardly move and I had finals today. There is no way in hell I passed. I studied like a bitch for three straight days and the moment I sat down and looked at the test I knew I was fucked. This isn’t one of my giggle I think I failed things. It’s real. There is NO possible way. I’ll still pass the class though because the rest of my grades are up there. However there goes my A average. So why did I decide the moment I got home to cut my own bangs??? Please explain?

In other news I think I’m finally going to ditch my blogger. I don’t want to lose what I’ve written about before so I’m converting it to my LJ. I just don’t have the time to keep up all these pages. It’s probably a rash decision made at the worst possible time but what the hell I think I’ll keep up today’s average.

November, 2005 Bizarre and Unique Holidays

2005-11-01T08:40:00.000-08:00

Month:
Aviation History Month (Look ma I can fly)
Child Safety Protection Month (Shouldn’t every month be this?)
Peanut Butter Lovers Month (mmmmmm)
Real Jewelry Month (Ok that’s just a lame thing to celebrate)
National Sleep Comfort Month (Does this mean I can finally sleep a full night?)

Week Celebrations:
Week 1 Chemistry Week (Celebrated by mad scientist everywhere)
Week 3 Game and Puzzle Week (Jenga anyone)

Each Day:
1 All Saint's Day and World Vegetation Day
2 Look for Circles Day (Again lame) and Deviled Egg Day (Why was it called a deviled egg I wonder?)
3 Housewife's Day (Flash backs to my costume acckk help me) and Sandwich Day (I’ll take a hot pastrami and cheese please)
4 Sadie Hawkins Day (This all started because a cartoonist had an ugly daughter) and King Tut Day (Walk like an Egyptian)
5 Gunpowder Day or Guy Fawkes Day (Burn effigies and watch fireworks sounds like a cool holiday we should celebrate this one)
6 Marooned without a Compass Day (ok so we just need a small boat and a storm here) and Saxophone Day (Lisa Simpson will be in heaven)
7 Bittersweet Chocolate with Almonds Day (Any kind of chocolate is good chocolate) and Cook Something Bold Day (Bam)
8 Dunce Day (Everyone make a dunce hat and where it to work come on you know you want to)
9 Chaos Never Dies Day (You've got that right)
10 Forget-Me-Not Day (Too late) and USMC Day
11 Veteran's Day and Air Day
13 National Indian Pudding Day (Everyone likes pudding no wait that’s Jell-O) and World Kindness Day (Be kind eat your pudding)
14 Operating Room Nurse Day (These are not the type of people who get surprise party’s) and Young Readers Day
15 Clean Your Refrigerator Day (I just did this), America Recycles Day (America should) and National Philanthropy Day
16 Button Day (Last month we got to count them this month we get to admire them) and Have a Party with Your Bear Day (No one else just your bear)
17 Take A Hike Day (There are a few people I’d like to take this literally lol) and World Peace Day
18 Great American Smokeout and Occult Day
19 Have a Bad Day Day (NO MORE BAD DAY’S)
20 Absurdity Day (How do you celebrate something like this), Beautiful Day, and Universal Children's Day
21 False Confession Day (Ok everyone go to church) and World Hello Day (lame)
22 Go For a Ride Day (Where are we going?)
23 National Cashew Day and You are Welcome Day (For the cashew?)
24 Thanksgiving Day (Eat a lot, Nap, Repeat)
25 National Parfait Day
26 Buy Nothing Day (Always the day after Thanksgiving...does anyone abide by it?) and Shopping Reminder Day
27 Pins and Needles Day (You need those to pin your pants because of the diet you just ruined)
28 Make Your Own Head Day (See this makes no sense) and Red Planet Day
26 Square Dance Day (No, I only did it for girl scouts you can’t make me do it again!!)
30 Stay At Home because Your Well Day (THANK GOD A DECENT DAY WORTH CELABRATING)

Hmmmmm Trick............. or Treat..................

2005-10-31T16:55:00.000-08:00

Friday the 21 was my court date and I have not wanted to put it into words for fear that it was not all a bad dream. Sigh so here is the reality. It was real. I paid a fine of $310, which I cannot afford, and even though they told me that was all that would happen, I called the state of Maine. Yes, I will be losing my license for two months and no, they cannot speed that up and let me do it now. I will have to wait the two months it takes to find and process the paper work. This of course lands me losing it right when I am on call 24/7 during the only time of year I really have to have a license. Oh and of course, they will inform me just like last time. (ha ha ha) So I will have to call once a week from now until it happens to find out if I still have a license because I do not trust them to actually let me know. Oh BTW no one knows what happened to my actual license so I’m driving around with a small piece of white paper that gives me permission from the state to drive due to the cop saying he had it which he apparently does not have it now. Do you have all that because my head hurts from it all? Oh, because of my head hurting from it I went out, had many many tequila shots that night, and cannot remember dancing in the rain in my socks. I am sure it was quite a bit of fun though. Thank you Robyn!!!

The 28th was the Big House Party and I spent all week getting the place to my liking knowing that it would be destroyed in the first 30 minutes. Still I am glad I did. I hate it when that place is a mess. Everyone seemed to have fun. No one puked or peed on the floors and nothing got broken whether it was relationships or actual property like in the past, so I guess it went well. There were tons of interesting costumes this year or maybe it was just the first year I actually paid attention because I was not avoiding or fighting with someone. It was a nice change of pace. I spent most of the night true to my costume of Little Miss Susie Homemaker but still had fun. It was not the same without Vic though.

The 29th was Goth Ball and wow everyone looked great. Conrad dressed in a tuxedo with tails and a top hat and looked amazing. He bought me a dozen roses and was so sweet I even got a dance in with him. Tallon and Inge won Goth King and Queen, which made sense because they looked fabulous. I just wish I had not been dealing with Me-shelle outside so I could have voted for them. It was not her fault I was outside and I know I did not have to deal with it but she was not that bad. The bouncer who was new was really rough with her. This surprised me because they never treat girls that way not even the ones they do not know, so I went to collect her stuff and call her a cab. Juliette & the Licks played but as I am sure you have read on other blogs, they were not the best and from what I heard I should have arrived earlier if I had wanted to hear the better band. The Drama was at soap opera standards high for everyone but still it was a good night with all the pretty people, great DJ’s and lots of pictures being taken so I can post them for you later. Hint Hint

Today is Halloween and I am sitting in a half painted office wondering why the painters never showed this weekend and where they are today. I wore Gothy clothing in celebration of the day, and because its fun whenever I can get away with it now that I don’t have the Monday night outlet for cool dress up anymore. I have school tonight (as a bonus I get extra credit for dressing up) and then I’m thinking if I’m out early enough I should swing by and scare my nephews as any good Auntie should do.

I hope your tricks are just as good as your treats this year and that someone out there is having a more intersting day than I am.

October, 2005 Bizarre and Unique Holidays

2005-10-06T17:19:00.000-07:00

Month:
Adopt a Shelter Dog Month
Apple Jack Month (huh??)
Awareness Month (aware of what?)
Breast Cancer Awareness Month
Clergy Appreciation Month (Not THAT kind of appreciation you sickos)
Computer Learning Month
Cookie Month (COOKIES)
Eat Country Ham Month (Umm ham makes me sick)
International Drum Month (psichron you should have fun this month)
Lupus Awareness Month
National Pizza Month
National Popcorn Popping Month (Pizza and popcorn should be in the same month it's like a junk food junkies dream this month)
Sarcastic Month (Ha read all my post if you don't understand sarcasm)
Seafood Month
Spanish Heritage Appreciation month(submitted by stiner_net)

Weekly Celebrations:
Week 1 Get Organized Week (No it's just not possible)
Week 1 Customer Service Week (The only customer service I want to deal with is on the receiving end)
Week 2 Fire Prevention Week
Week 2 Pet Peeve Week (I've a list if you'd like)
Week 3 Pastoral Care Week

Each Day:
1 World Vegetarian Day and Chinese Moon Festival
2 National Custodial Worker Day and Name Your Car Day (My car's name is Precious)
3 Techies Day and Virus Appreciation Day (This just doesn't seem like it needs celebration)
4 National Golf Day (No thanks I'm not a golf fan)
5 Do Something Nice Day (Damn I missed this one and it's just to late now)
6 Come and Take it Day(HA HA HA HA and it's a Thursday I was thinking of skipping the bar scene tonight but this almost makes it worth going again)
7 Bald and Free Day, National Frappe Day, National Frugal Fun Day (This day just covers it all doesn't it)
8 American Tag Day (Tag your it)
9 Curious Events Day, Fire Prevention Day, Leif Erikson Day and Moldy Cheese Day, (I like my cheese not moldy please)
10 Columbus Day and National Angel Food Cake Day
11 It's My Party Day and Take Your Teddy Bear to Work Day (Party with your teddy's day? Wait no that's a different kind of party)
12 Farmer's Day, Moment of Frustration Day, and Emergency Nurses Day (One of these things is not like the other one of these things just doesn't belong...Sorry got distracted for a moment)
13 (It's BLANK DAY)
14 Be bald and Free Day and National Dessert Day (Wait we just had a bald and free day how many holidays do bald people need?)
15 Sweetest Day and Cane Safety Day (Ok are we talking walking canes or canning canes cause the later of the two I'll think about celebrating)
16 Bosses Day and Dictionary Day (Blah I guess I have to be nice to Vern this day and use big words doing it)
17 Wear Something Gaudy Day (Hmmm I think I have a green and orange shirt... WAIT no I don't!!!!)
18 No Beard Day (Aww darn and I just started growing this out)
19 Evaluate Your Life Day (It sucks read the last few post enough evaluating)
20 Brandied Fruit Day
21 Babbling Day and Count Your Buttons Day (sounds like a fun day... shot me now)
22 National Nut Day ( ha ha ha of course your a nut after you count all those buttons)
23 Mother-In-Law Day, National Mole Day, and Tv Talk Show Host Day (I'm not participating in this one it doesn't sound like fun)
24 United Nations Day and National Bologna Day
25 Punk for a Day Day (SWEET)
25 World Pasta Day
26 Make a Difference Day and Mule Day (Make a difference be a mule)
27 Navy Day
28 Plush Animal Lover's Day (Oh dear GOD!!!!)
29 Hermit Day and National Frankenstein Day ( Do we celebrate by rounding up hermits and dressing them up like Frankenstein?)
30 National Candy Corn Day and Mischief Night (YAY who wants to make mischief I need ideas)
31 Carve a Pumpkin Day,Halloween,Increase Your Psychic Powers Day(My favorite holiday of the year is Halloween)

Pay back for Paris

2005-10-05T15:51:00.000-07:00

For those of you who actually paid attention to my 5.27.2005 Post here is a remake of that commercial that makes it all better. :)

http://www.whoomp.com/articles/106/1/Carl%26%2339%3Bs-Jr.-Commercial-gone-wrong

Hey Alabama John pay attention this is one for your sick and twisted mind. hee hee hee

Death and all that

2005-10-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

In 1994 during my senior year at Portland High School My Uncle Russell suffered a stroke. At the time I thought it the worst thing to see him paralyzed on one entire side of his body but grateful that he was too stubborn to go just then. Selfish I know but I was not ready then.

At 1:30 am on 9/21/2005 I received a call from my baby sister Catherine telling me that my Uncle had a stroke and this time he was not going to be able to cheat death. This one had hit on the other side and towards the middle instead of the outside. If he survived, he would be a vegetable but there was little chance of survival. Conrad drove me up to Norway because I had taken a sleep aid that night in order to get a full night sleep and of course it was kicking in around the time of the call. When I got there he was in a coma and that morning was pronounced brain dead. Family was called and all of those that made the trip that night stayed to discuss the rights and wrongs of such things as last rights and discontinuing life support. I got home at 7:30 that morning took a nap and drove back up to Norway for the remainder of the day. Over the next week I spent every moment I could up at the hospital but Uncle Russell never pulled out of the coma. I watched his breathing get more ragged and heard the death rattle that I have heard in both my Grandmothers and my friend Scott’s passing. I went there with the hope of seeing him pull through but also for the support of my family. It was an hour and fifteen minute drive one way but worth it. Family started arriving over the next few days and I believe the hospital kept him on fluids right up until the last of us arrived. Some flew in from Florida, some from Georgia and a van full of relatives descended last minute from Colorado. All of his sisters, brothers, kids, and even his 78-year-old father, made it in to say goodbye. The only nieces to live in Maine showed as well. What can I say the man was well loved.

On the afternoon of 9/25/2005 he passed on. One moment he was breathing and the next there was nothing. The Doctors said there was no pain that he had no brain activity and the only reason his body had continued to function up until that point was from the memory of doing so for fifty-five years. In my opinion, he was just too damned obstinate to go until the last person had arrived. That’s my family, Grandma did the same thing when she passed in 1997 only she came out of the coma long enough to tell us she saw angels and was going home.

Since my Uncles passing I have spent time with the family listening to stories about his exploits as a child and his adventures as an adult. He was a Vietnam Vet with a Purple Heart. A hell raiser but a devote catholic. He was an alcoholic but gentle with children and animals alike. He’s the only hunter I’ve ever heard of who went hunting one day and brought back a pet deer instead of dinner and once when I was young he promised to give me his purple corvette. For years he told me it was in the mail. I spoke at his funeral and told my own stories and how much I respected and loved the man and how he was my favorite Uncle.

He is not in pain and I know I will be fine but I will miss the hell out of him.

Karma Dept

2005-09-20T18:32:00.000-07:00

Wow, it has been forever since I posted. Looking through my files, I find I have numerous half started post, things I never put up, things I meant to finish things that at the time should have been finished. Rather resembles my life, a lot of stuff I should have done. :/ Here is a short list of happenings and I will try to keep up with posts until tax season is upon me again.

Since my last post I have turned 31 yes that right I am female and I am not lying about my age.
I have lost a friend to cancer. Only the good die young and that was true here.

I have been to both GNE and Pennsic and survived. I would do it again in a heartbeat.

One of my best friends has moved to Vermont to be happier than she has ever been in her entire life. I miss her and wish she had found happiness closer to home.

My other best friend has survived the evacuation from Biloxi Mississippi leaving her brand new home with her one year old son, her sister and two kids and supplied with nothing but a diaper bag and baby book. She then traveled to a seedy motel in Alabama where they kicked her out by Friday to make room for the football team coming in. This forced her to drive to Maine during Labor Day weekend and the great gas hike. She is safe now with family and I am selfishly happy to have her home and close again.

I was in a car accident. It wasn't bad I just hit a rock, got a flat, found out my license was suspended, and had my car impound. I will discover if I am losing my license for a month when I go into court in October. This was the same day Vic was moving, I had not taken my pills, and I was trying to quit smoking. It was a bad day all around with the bill that came with it. On the other hand, it was nice of the officer to drop me off in the brand new SUV police vehicle right in front of the office while clients were there. Oh and did I mention the cat puked all over Vern's new rugs. Guess who got to clean it!!! Come on guess!!!!

Right now I am coping with depression combined with or caused by the fact that I am experiencing severe insomnia, Husson college is dicking me around, I just replaced the breaks in my car and paid out way more than I had in the bank and I am reaching critical in my self-esteem again.

Not every thing has been bad though.

My birthday went just as I wanted. I was not in a mood to celebrate this year with the boy away and life changing so quickly and my friends respected that. They have no idea how much I appreciated it. Sometimes you want to party and sometimes you want to sit on a beach quietly with just your thoughts for company.

I have had a fantastic summer with Conrad. He is amazing and I love him. He has taken me into his heart and made me such a huge part of his life and there is no way I can show him what his love means to me because there isn't anything big enough that I can compare it to.

I went two weeks without makeup while at Pennsic. Yes, this affected my moods especially since I have not been in public willingly without makeup since I was 14 but I did it and that is one baby step towards my goal of being normal.

Two people I love and respect finally agreed to tie the knot. I love the fact that they were engaged at Pennsic and that I was there to witness their happiness that day. Congrats again guys.

I attended the wedding of my friend Jaime and had a fabulous time with a beautiful view and wonderful people.

I have made some new friends and strengthened some old friendships. This includes but is not limited to Joshua and I being able to have conversations that are almost back to the level of friendship we had five years ago. This makes me happy as I value all my friendships but is especially true for those that know me as well as he does.

I have managed to cut back on my smoking unless I am drinking and then I forget and bum cigarettes. This is good and bad but it is progress so I put it in the good list.

I still have a job, a home, and some of the best friends a crazy spider loving Goth chic could ever want so life isn't bad its just messed up.

Did I mention I hit a turkey on the way to work this morning? Sigh......

It's a busy month

2005-07-18T12:01:00.000-07:00

Sorry for not getting something up sooner but I have been busy preparing for Pennsic. I’ll do an update soon I promise until then here are your July, 2005 Bizarre and Unique Holidays.

Month:
National Anti-Boredom Month
Unlucky Month for weddings (Ummm why?)
National Hot Dog Month
National Ice Cream Month

Week Event:
Week 2 Nude Recreation Week (Damn I missed it )

Individual Days:
1 Canada Day Creative Ice Cream Flavors Day Build A Scarecrow Day Jokes Day
2 I Forgot Day International Joke Day
3 Disobedience Day Stay out of the Sun Day
4 Independence Day (U.S.) National Country Music Day Compliment you Mirror Day Sidewalk Egg Frying Day (Hmmmm, I wonder why!?!)
5 Work-a-holics Day (even though everyone is on holiday)
6 National Fried Chicken Day
7 Chocolate Day National Strawberry Sundae Day (I'll taske both)
8 Video Games Day (SWEET)
9 National Sugar Cookie Day
10 Teddy Bear Picnic Day
11 Cheer up the Lonely Day World Population Day (WAAAAA)
12 Different Colored Eyes Day Pecan Pie Day
13 Barbershop Music Appreciation Day
13 Embrace Your Geekness Day (Thats everyday for me lol)
13 Fool's Paradise Day
14 Bastille Day
14 Panedmonium Day
14 National Nude Day (Darn I could have drank all the beer I wanted on this day)
15 Ice Cream Cone Day Tapioca Pudding Day Cow Appreciation Day (Go out and give a cow a hug)
16 International Juggling Day
17 National Ice Cream Day (third Sunday of the month) Peach Ice Cream Day
18 National Caviar Day (something's fishy here)
19 National Raspberry Cake Day (Ohhhh drool)
20 Moon Day Ugly Truck Day (It's a guy thing)
21 National Junk Food Day
22 Ratcatcher's Day (yuck)
23 National Hot Dog Day Vanilla Ice Cream Day
24 Cousins Day (What exactly do you do on this day??)
24 Emilia Earhart Day
25 Threading the Needle Day
26 All or Nothing Day Aunt and Uncle Day
27 Take a Plant for A Walk Day
28 National Milk Chocolate Day
29 Parent's Day
30 National Cheesecake Day
30 Father-in-Law Day
31 Mutt's Day

No one tell Amanda...

2005-06-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

So just a few quickie's today.

One... It's National Pink Day NO ONE TELL AMANDA. I love the girl but her scream can damage your ear drums for life. I noticed a permanent loss in my hearing after the trip to New Jersey when she started screaming about leprechauns in a rest area parking lot.

Two.... Conrad's back from his five day work related trip THANK GOD! Hopefully I can sleep through a whole night without all the waking up bad dream crap. Last night he was suppose to get home at 9:00 pm instead it was 3:00 am and I couldn't sleep cause I was all excited waiting to see him. I'm so very tired.

Three... Internet is acting funny at work I can't live without my internet fix. I'm going to go on a rampage and damage something.

Four... The boss is driving me nuts and I really should stop here. If I write my plans out then they can trace it back to me. Sigh it's just I've been telling him to do his own taxes for four months and he's been procrastinating it. All of a sudden he decides it needs to be done so he cancels his trip that I have rearranged appointments around three times and plans to stay in the office this weekend to do his taxes. Great but I'm tearing down the freaking computers for upgrade this Sunday at noon if your taxes aren't done your SOL cause were down for a week. This has to be the first time he's listened to me in the year and a half I've worked here. ACKKKKKKKKKKK Shoot me now.

Five... Clients are rude, annoying, and demanding today and I can't tell them to fuck off.

Ok I'm done I'm going to go tell the boss I'm leaving cause he won't shut up and finish his work.

Warning whining zone ahead...

2005-06-20T20:01:00.000-07:00

Ok I am a Daddy's girl. Of course I have good reason to be. I grew up with a strong Dad who got custody of my only full sister and me when I was about one. Excluding the eight months spent with my mother as a preteen and the time spent in a children’s home shortly after that, he was the one taking care of me growing up. I respect my Dad for going from a married man with two very young children to taking on the role of a single Dad with two female's who made no sense to him what so ever. Even though I turned out all right, I am still completely convinced that my Dad thought I was a boy right up until the time that I grew breast and had a period. For these reasons and many more I admit it! In fact, I proudly proclaim to the world my status of a Daddy’s girl.

This being said, yesterday I was lured up to visit with promises of lasagna in 75-degree weather and the guilt of father’s day. Dad lives in Lewiston, which is not to far away but not exactly a fun place to visit seeing as it is dirty, smelly, and prone to car vandalism. The point is I had fun and a lot of it. The food was palatable and fully cooked. The family was in a great mood with no fights breaking out and all blood feuds being called to a halt for the day. My sisters (he's not good enough for her) boyfriend was not there to distract her from being good company and my brother Brian actually took time off from being a gamer geek to visit with the non-RPG characters infiltrating his lair. I spent about five hours being praised for being a bright kid and basically being help captive by Dad and my Step Mum before being grudgingly allowed to leave with a box full of food because apparently gaining 15 pounds and barely fitting into my jeans means I've lost weight not gained it. GOD I LOVE MY FAMILY! In fact the only bad point to the whole visit was me having to “play nice” with the only family member that I can actually say I STRONGLY dislike and whose presence I avoid in all situations if possible.

After going home and calming my stomach down a little (not just from the cooking), I attempted to go to bed and had thee worst nightmares ever. You see I live in this dream world where if I just try to pretend everything is all right and good with the world it will be. Unfortunately that does not work with things like a Dad who I adore going in for a surgery that could be prevented if he would smarten up change his diet and stop smoking. Deep down I know He’s going to die and while we are all going to go sooner or later I prefer… no I NEED my Dad to go later. Unfortunately, my dreams remind me that my reality is vastly different from what I pretend it to be. I get my stubbornness from my Dad and I know he will continue to do what he wants and when he goes it will be from being too damn stubborn to bend to the doctors request for heather eating habits and completely quitting smoking. Still, I really hate dreams where I wake up screaming and no one is there to calm me down. That and I could have used more than four hours of sleep on a work night.

Sorry for the whining I am just tired……………..

So many things to do so little time...

2005-06-16T15:14:00.000-07:00

Today is June 16 and is National Hollerin' Contest Day.

I would apologize for not posting in awhile but hey I have been busy as all hell so deal.

Cat's graduation was wonderful. I was not aware until I was taping it but she graduated with high honors and was the person who did the turning of the tassels. She looked great even in her push up bra and hooker heels. She is just so damned tiny and hates every second of it. I drove over with my other sister Mary Ellen. (One of these days I will do a family tree and you will see how many siblings I have.) We had fun watching Cat be all grown up and talked about when she was all tiny and stuff. It is strange I feel time is flying by so fast. I could have sworn I dropped her on her head just last week. Wait, no I dropped Brian. Mary dropped Catherine. Hmmm maybe Mary stunted her growth. Mary and I went for drinks afterwards and then I drove her home. I never get to spend any one on one time with the siblings any more so it was really nice even if all she did was complain about her mother in-law. I am sure I would complain if I had one to.

My graduation was great as well. I did not fall on my ass, I did not trip on the stage, and I did not get a bloody nose just before having to walk, so all was good. Inge did the welcome speech and she was amazing. So much better than the others and that includes the politician. (Hmmm Inge have you ever thought about writing speeches for a living?) I got to see quite a few people I have not seen in the last few months and thank them yet again for their help in my classes. This is especially true for Melissa without whom I would have never made it through a majority of things. I forced my favorite teacher Mr. Carter to hug me too. He was all embarrassed it was great. A whole lot of people were there including family and I did not think it was going to be a big deal but as I was sitting there listening to Inge talk the realization hit that I was graduating and this was a important stepping stone in my life. Afterwards we all went back to the big house and got very drunk at the carnivores party. Ahhh the times that I cannot remember. I do know that I found what started out as my full bottle of tequila the next day and was horrified to discover it was complete empty and that only I was drinking out of it because I had it hid well. That would explain the horrible hangover I had that day and into the next. Great party though. :)

The following Saturday 6/11/05 we had Girls night out. Everyone looked fabulous and real effort was made to go fancy just as I had hoped. We started out at the Armory and let me tell you the chocolate cake martini is so yummy. After awhile it was time to move on so half of us stayed to finish drinks in progress and the other half walked over to Una's where I had a prickly pear margarita and something else that I could not even say let alone spell. Then right before 11:00 we walked or staggered to the Asylum to get in free and for much cheaper drinks. Once there we met up with the men folk who had been hanging out in various bars of their own all night and were feeling good as well. I would like to say that is was not my intention to drink heavily. I fully intended to stay just tipsy but combining martinis and tequila just set me over the edge. As far as I know everyone had a wonderful time spent way to much money and did nothing stupid so it was all good. Afterwards I went home with my wonderful and amazing boyfriend who took care of me because I could not even figure out how to get out of my clothing never mind find the bed.

Somehow that Saturday night I wound up getting a free ticket to VNV Nation who played in Boston the next day. The show was wonderful I loved NIN's but I have to admit VNV put on one hell of a show. They were so nice. Throwing water to the over heated crowd, telling jokes in between songs, talking to people they could see and then they sang and were simply amazing. Tallon gave me their newest CD for a graduation gift and I do not think I appreciated it fully until I heard it live. Yes, I was dangerously close to passing out the entire show. I dunked my head in the sink twice. Applied ice to every pulse point I had. Was helped to the door no less than 4 times to get air and was being held up by Tallon and Psichron . Without question it was worth it and I am so glad I was invited.

It has been a busy few weeks and through it all has been one major theme. Fun and friends I am glad I get to enjoy them together.

Oh on a side note....Endless Skies is possibly my favorite song off of the new VNV Nation Album called "Matter and form" the words are beautiful. Take a look, do a search, and listen to the rest. When your done go buy this album!!!

Endless Skies

How many years since you found yourself
Staring at an endless sky?

Unaware of yourself
Who you are and where you're going
Only living
Only breathing
Losing all sense of time

The most fragile of things
Captivates and embraces you
Surrender and be witness
To this rarest of moments

You live within the sense
Of the order of things
What is truth
What is important
What defines you

No need to fear
No need to worry
About years that passed
About time you lost

Live seconds as a lifetime
Time it does not matter
You live within the sense
Of the stillness of time

No reason

2005-06-03T09:49:00.000-07:00

Ok I don't know why I'm starting to wig out now.

There's no reason for it.

The only thing I can think of is I'm anxious to be graduating tomorrow but why would I be having anxiety attacks and depression spells over achieving a goal in my life? Even if this is the first thing I set my mind to and actually achieved for myself and not for someone else. I just have this vague sense of dread I can't explain it. It makes no freaking sense. Someone hit me over the head with something till I smarten up will ya.

On a side note from Doomsville....today my baby sister Catherine is graduating high school. I am so proud of her. Prouder than I am of myself. Now if she can just stay the course and continue through to collage instead of screwing around like the rest of us kids did she could do well for herself. Pssssst Cat don't move in with the boyfriend their all evil and hormonal at that age. Just remember David and stay away from the dark side of the force.

Stop and Celebrate

2005-06-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

Well it’s June 1 and a new list of holidays are needed so here goes….

Bizarre Holidays in June
Adopt-A-Shelter-Cat Month, American Rivers Month, Cancer In The Sun Month, Dairy Month, Turkey Lover's Month, National Accordion Awareness Month, National Fresh Fruit and Vegetable Month, National Ice Tea Month, National Papaya Month, National Pest Control Month, National Rose Month, Fight The Filthy Fly Month, and Zoo and Aquarium Month (My favorite is Fight The Filthy Fly Month)

June 1 is . . . . . Dare Day (Go ahead I dare you)
June 2 is . . . . . National Rocky Road Day (mmmm)
June 3 is . . . . . Repeat Day (More rocky road)
June 4 is . . . . . Old Maid's Day (Do I qualify yet?)
June 5 is . . . . . Festival Of Popular Delusions Day (HA HA HA So Santa, The Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy all on the same day huh)
June 6 is . . . . . Teacher's Day and National Applesauce Cake Day (Yay applesauce It’s about time it got its own day)
June 7 is . . . . . National Chocolate Ice Cream Day (Wow ice cream month or what)
June 8 is . . . . . Name Your Poison Day (Tequila)
June 9 is . . . . . Donald Duck Day (ok WHAT??)
June 10 is . . . . National Yo-Yo Day (fun for the whole family except the ones who use them as weapons)
June 11 is . . . . National Hug Holiday and King Kamehameha Day (have you hugged your king today?)
June 12 is . . . . Machine Day (When they rise up and REVOLT or not)
June 13 is . . . . National Juggling Day and Kitchen Klutzes Of America Day (These two strangely belong together)
June 14 is . . . . Pop Goes The Weasel Day (so…many...jokes…must …not…say…them…)
June 15 is . . . . Smile Power Day (What power does your smile have)
June 16 is . . . . National Hollerin' Contest Day (Again fun for the whole family)
June 17 is . . . . Watergate Day and Eat Your Vegetables Day (Why do we have a day for Watergate and is this the only day vegetarians get to eat?)
June 18 is . . . . International Panic Day (Oh I can celebrate this one no problem)
June 19 is . . . . World Sauntering Day (and saunter, turn, saunter, turn,…)
June 20 is . . . . Ice Cream Soda Day (NO more ice cream)
June 21 is . . . .Cuckoo Warning Day (Are we talking clocks or people here?)
June 22 is . . . . National Chocolate Éclair Day (This should be dentist celebration month)
June 23 is . . . . National Pink Day (ACKKKKK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO)
June 24 is . . . . Museum Comes To Life Day (Mummy’s will come to life and horrible movies will be made about it)
June 25 is . . . . Log Cabin Day (Well there’s bound to be one somewhere close I say we claim it as a national monument to the day)
June 26 is . . . . National Chocolate Pudding Day (Again with the sweets)
June 27 is . . . . National Columnists Day (I’ve got nothing here)
June 28 is . . . . Paul Bunyan Day (Does one celebrate by cutting down lots of trees,smacking a bull around,and digging into a mountain?)
June 29 is . . . . Camera Day (A paparazzi dream come true)
June 30 is . . . . Meteor Day (Are we talking major city destroying meteors or just pansy little never hit the earth stuff?)

If your pagan don't forget Litha or as it is more commonly referred to as the Summer Solstice on June 21 - June 22 (in the Northern hemisphere) or December 21 - December 22 (in the Southern hemisphere).

Current Annoyance…

2005-05-27T11:43:00.000-07:00

It’s annual report time and my boss has chosen to wait to have me send them out till 5 day’s before due date so I’ve had no time to write a full and detailed post. Here is my current annoyance…

This stupid commercial http://www.carlsjr.com/ontv It’s a god damn commercial. I have seen worse. I’ve definitely seen better. Just get the hell over it for pete’s sake. She is not hot (I guess I’m not a good judge here though), she has done nothing of importance, if she wants to do a commercial that makes her look like a $50. hooker all because her dog prefers to eat at this one burger dive then who are we to judge. GET OVER IT!!!!

The way forward is sometimes the way back.

2005-05-18T11:21:00.000-07:00

Ok I am sick and sick is not a good thing to be and because of said sickness I am only going to go over the Friday 13th, NIN/ Dresden Dolls show in Boston thing briefly.

While in Boston we had the pleasure of a personal Duck tour thanks to Jet Black who drives his Salmon colored duck boat like a manic. :) It was fun being in a pinkish duck with a bunch of friends dressed in Goth gear, streaking down the streets of Boston, getting weird looks, and scoffing at the quacking tourist. I'd do it again in a heart beat! Heck they even dropped us at our restaurant.

The restaurant was this cute little Italian place that we would have never found on our own (thank you Amy) but was within easy walking distance of the Orpheum theater. They had affordable, yummy food with waitresses who were quick to help us but a little on the forgetful side. We all seemed to have a great time and over ate to our hearts content.

I had an amazing time at the NIN / Dresden Dolls concert. I fully admit to being completely blind to anything but the mind numbing experience of seeing NIN's live. Sorry I cannot help it, I have wanted to see them since the moment I fell in love with their music, which coincides with me stepping out of my Susie homemaker life into the one I am currently residing in. The place was a little too warm though, and I thought for sure I would pass out. I bought two tee shirts one for me that's so damn thin I think it was meant for wet tee shirt parties and the other for the boyfriend who deserved it for putting up with me screaming and jumping around like an idiot.

There's more to the night but I'm just not in the mood to go into it all right now. I had fun nuf said......

Wait, can I do it all again and this time avoid the getting sick thing?

Excuse me is this your fork in the road?

2005-05-10T17:52:00.000-07:00

Oh this day is just getting better and better.

My biological mom just stopped by work. (Insert confused look here)

That's right my mom.

The one who shuns her non-child bearing, unmarried, eldest child, in favor of her other two daughters with marriages and children and her youngest son who still lives with her. She lives an hour from here while her three daughters all live within fifteen minutes of each other. She sees Mary Ellen and Jean at least three times a month. I know because they tell me this. However, I haven't seen her since...oh last spring at one of my nephew's birthday parties I think. I'm not bitter. I've actually come to terms with it a long time ago. I know it's my fault. When I was fourteen years old, I probably shouldn't have told her to get bent and not come to my birthday parties in July if she couldn't make it to Mary Ellen's in October. (She did this three years running and I couldn't stand to listen to Mary Ellen cry anymore.) Since then I don't see her in July or December. This includes cards and phone calls as well. I do get an occasional email but it isn't holiday related no matter what time of year it is. I only run into her at family functions like birthdays or weddings or the occasional run in at my sisters when she stops by. Ah whatever! Still for her to actually make an effort and stop by randomly at my work place! Where she's never been and all she wanted was to just say hi. Wha What????

Gee maybe I should get all excited or something. Wait I think this is it.............. No false alarm sorry just gas.

Off the road again... Just can’t wait to go off the road again……

2005-05-10T13:52:00.000-07:00

Holy crap batman, road rage issues much!!!

I just had some guy scare the ever-living piss out of me. I was pulling out of the bank on RT25 in Standish. It is fairly busy this time of day so I saw an opening and I took it. The large red pickup truck that was coming up the road was far enough away that I had plenty of time to make it. So, I’m pulling out of the lot. Someone is of course behind me and I am about halfway into the road when I see the stupid idiot in his red penis envy truck speed up! What does he think I can do at this point? I am in the damned road, there is a little old lady behind me blocking my escape backwards, and he is looking like he’s going to ram me. Therefore, I speed up and pull the rest of my car out. Well the idiot does not slow down he gets right up on my bumper and I mean right up. I can see him screaming and the spit flying out of his mouth quite clearly. I can’t go anywhere because I’ve seen he’s a redneck moron already and I’m close enough to the car in front of me that I can read the wash me on the trunk of the car. I’m panicking a little now and he’s coming right up to my car, backing off, right up, and backing off. Then my completely irrational cave man friend does something even more frightening. He pulls out into the middle of the road and starts to pull in beside me. I have no choice but to move over or get side swiped. I tried slowing down but he slowed down with me forcing me to drive beside him in the breakdown lane, which is getting smaller now because were getting close to the light, which incidentally is red, and I will have to stop for it. I cannot speed up because “wash me” is still in front of me and they do not look like they are impressed at all. Finally, Mr. Personality pulls up and lets me in behind him. I am sure it was only a minute but god it felt like forever. He then stops at the red light and opens his door like he is getting out. I of course cannot back up because there is a Rider truck pulling up behind me and traffic is coming in the other direction. So what do I do, I pull out my trusty never works in Standish cell phone, roll up the windows, and lock all the doors. However, my brain donor friend does not want to get out and snap my neck. No, he just wants to spit at my car and wave to me using his middle finger while ranting about the c***’s of the world and how I should suck his abnormally large penis. This show of testosterone while appropriate at wrestling shows and racecar events did not have the affect of making me quake in my gothy attire. It in fact had me wondering how he had avoided evolution so completely and when were scientist going to realize the missing link drove a big red pickup truck in Standish Maine. I considered breaking out in a rousing country song as a show of support but my confused grin at this thought seemed to provoke his ire more. Luckily, the light turned green and the Rider truck made sounds of protest that they would like to move in a forward direction even if it meant over Mr. Penis Wrinkle and me, thus with a hearty one finger wave in my direction and a squeal of tire’s on pavement. We were separated, hopefully never to meet again. Then again, Standish is not so big and he might be a client here. Now wouldn’t that be a kick in the pants!

Distraction

2005-05-05T13:20:00.000-07:00

Ok most of you know I have a small, discreet, stocking collection nothing major it is not a fetish. Well ok it is but it’s a good one. Today is a rather boring day at work and I've been on eBay looking at stockings since 10am. Just for something to do. I haven’t bought anything. I jokingly said to my boyfriend on IM that my goal was to see what the most someone would pay for a pair of stockings is on eBay. I have just reached what I think are the ultimate in stockings. I have a thing for the back seam / cuban heals. I mean come on!! They have to be the sexiest pair of stockings EVER made. I just found a pair online. Thigh high / nude with black accents / cuban heal / back seam / LATEX stockings These are going for $76 not including the shipping which is discussed after bidding closes. No, I am not going to buy them. I just wanted to share this unimportant discovery with someone since I had to go through 114 pages until discovery. Ya I am that bored……………………………………..

Where did the monkeys come from?

2005-05-03T16:10:00.000-07:00

I have had some messed up dreams before. Vivid, colorful, violent, dreams that made no sense at all.

My weirdest dream ever, happened shortly after the break up with my fiancé of 7 years. It would have been in 2000 I think and yet this dream is still stuck in my head as if I just had it yesterday... I was standing in front of a refrigerator. The door to the freezer part was open and I was holding a man's head. The facial features and hair length, style, and color kept changing to represent all the men I knew or would know in the future. I remember staring at this head trying to get it into focus and to stop it from changing. Eventually I gave up and put it into the freezer to keep it warm. Yes, I said warm not cold. Hey, it's my dream I'll warm things in the freezer if I want too.

A few years ago I had a series of dreams about killing my friends off in weird ways. I cannot remember the order except that the one involving Ian and Inge was the last one I had. I know how they all died and who they were but I do not know if I was the killer...

The one involving Tallon was the most vivid for shear brutality reasons. I walked into a room with no real furniture to speak of and there were pieces of him all over the floor. It looked like someone had put him through a chopping machine and left all the pieces where they landed. I walked around the room looking at the pieces trying to identify the owner and only knew it was him because his hair was pulled back in the same way he usually wears it and that part was intact. Well that and the black fabric from his usual attire and pieces of soft leather mingled in with bright red chunks of flesh.

In a different dream of this series, I watched as a friend drowned. It was like observing through a large glass tank at the aquarium. She was trying to swim up but never got anywhere even though it appeared that nothing was preventing her from reaching the top. Eventually she started to panic and her limbs worked in frantic uncoordinated movements trying to force her body to move, until finally the air released from her lungs in one big burst. She struggled for a few more moments slowing down increasingly until she just stopped and stared blankly ahead almost like she knew I was watching. I remember thinking the water was so blue and perfect.

In another dream, I watched as a female friend was run over by a car. I was standing on the side not really there and she was running along just barley able to keep ahead of the car. I am not sure how long she ran but I do know it was no competition for the car. I did not recognize the model. Just that it was a black car, not to clean, not to dirty, and the windows were tinted so I did not see the driver. Not that I was even looking. In all these dreams I never looked for the reason of the killing just watched as my friends died. The impact of the car caused her to roll up onto the hood and bounce off the window. I heard a crack when she struck but it was not apparent that the sound was her back until she rolled off the car onto the ground. It was then that I could tell she was not going to be able to move again. Her back was twisted almost around to the side but just the lower part, making it so if it were possible for her to move her head she could have looked directly at her backside. She was not dead though, well not yet, it was not until the car screeched to a halt and backed up onto her again that she actually died. The truly horrible thing is she watched the car coming and could not even move. Her scream was cut off by the rear left tire going up over her throat. Weird that I know it was the left huh?

Next on the list was a shooting. Again I do not remember where this took place just that it was outside and I knew the place well. My friend was laughing and talking to someone. Her companion was someone else I was acquainted with but they were not important enough to stick in my head at the time. The day was bright and slightly breezy and there was no real rush in her walk to get to anywhere of importance. I remember smiling as she started to pass by where I was standing, and I was thinking hey this isn’t so bad maybe I’ll go say hi. I noticed the red on her shirt next. It was not a big spot just a little one but it was on both sides of her body. She had this odd look on her face as she passed me like she was trying to get rid of heart burn or something and then she was on the ground face down. Her companion was looking around franticly and trying to pull her to cover. They rolled her over and you could see the red had saturated through and was overflowing onto the ground. Her eyes were staring at the sky I could not tell them it was way to late to try and save her.

The last dream in this series involved Ian and Inge and I am not sure if they caused it to happen or not. I remember telling them about my dreams and how messed up they were. I told them that I had dreamt of all these fucked up ways of people dying and Ian said something me about me not thinking them important enough to dream about or some such bull shit. That night I had the oddest dream. It started with me staring at a door. As I reached down to open it I noticed the doorknob was a little hot but it did not burn me so I opened the door stepping through into what had to have been Ian and Inge’s bedroom. Ian was lying in bed fully clothed in his bar room attire smoking a cigarette. He was calm as could be and actually appeared somewhat bored. Inge however was completely engulfed in flames beside him on the bed. From the look on what I could see of her face she might have been screaming but I could not hear it above the sound of the flames spreading up the walls and across the floor.

All of these dreams were in color and in none of them did I interfere or participate in anyway other that observation. I should also mention that I know exactly who was shot, drowned and run over but they told me to leave their names out because I freaked them out with these dreams. So why am I bringing up old dreams? No reason other than there still in my head and I have had yet another dream involving a member of our crowd.

In this dream Wally had the staring role. That’s right Wally congratulations you are the next contestant in my brain isn’t right. There were a bunch of us sitting around someone’s house probably Ian’s by the look of it. Wally was wandering around with a pair of monkey playing cymbal toys. He spent the entire time shoving them in everyone’s faces and trying to give them away. They were old, dirty, and smelly and made the worst commotion ever. I took them away numerous times to take the batteries out but Wally kept putting them back in.

So, Wally where are you hiding the monkeys playing cymbals? I know you have them somewhere I can still hear that damned noise in my head!!!! Welcome to my brain. Make yourself at home. Can I get the monkeys anything? Sigh…

Forward it is..

2005-04-29T11:51:00.000-07:00

I’m a little bummed out today because I discovered I have missed out on some pretty cool holidays in April. Things like ….

National Welding Month

Weekly Celebrations:
Week 3 Organize Your Files Week
Week 4 National Karaoke Week

Each Day:
2 National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day (I really should have celebrated this I lived off the things during tax season)
3 Don't Go to Work unless it is Fun Day and Tweed Day (Ok no to the tweed and no to work)
4 Hug a Newsman Day, Walk around Things Day and Tell a Lie Day (So if we see the newsman we need to go up to him, walk around him very fast, hug him, then tell him a lie. What a great holiday)
5 Fun at Work Day (Not possible)
6 Plan Your Epitaph Day (Fun for the whole family)
8 Draw a Picture of a Bird Day (Why??)
13 Blame Somebody Else Day (Today it’s …Ian’s fault. Why? Well, why not? It could have been anyone’s fault.)
17 National Cheeseball Day (Because everyone loves cheese.)
19 National Garlic Day (Not for our Vampire friends.)
20 Look Alike Day (I’m confused, am I suppose to look for my look alike, or try to look like someone else?)
24 Pig in a Blanket Day (I remember those. It has been forever since I’ve had one though.)
25 National Zucchini Bread Day (Again why?)
26 National Pretzel Day (So are we celebrating the food or the act of turning ourselves into pretzel like shapes? Twister needs to be involved if it’s the later of the two.)
27 Executive Admin's Day or Secretary's Day (Yep I missed it, or more accurately my boss did because he doesn’t appreciate me)
28 Kiss Your Mate Day (Isn’t this everyday?)
29 National Shrimp Scampi Day (Taste good but why do I have to celebrate it? What has it done for me lately?)
30 Hairstyle Appreciation Day and National Honesty Day (I can see needing a holiday to appreciate hair styles but why do we need a day set aside for honesty?)

Therefore, in an effort to celebrate May’s holidays properly I am posting a list of the more interesting ones with a few suggestions where appropriate on how you can celebrate. Enjoy!!

Month:
Date Your Mate Month (Again this should be every day of the year people)
National Barbecue Month (Yum)
National Hamburger Month (Yay Meat!! Ok so that sounds wrong until you realize I live with a vegetarian)
National Recommitment Month (For those of you who really need to)
Older Americans Month (What!!!)

Weekly Celebrations:
Week 2 Wildflower Week
Week 3 National Police Week (I just like that this is followed by wildflower week)

Each Day:
1 Loyalty Day or Save the Rhino Day (So be loyal to your Rhino)
3 Lumpy Rug Day (OMG)
4 National Candied Orange Peel Day (I didn’t know there was such a thing as candied orange peel and now there’s a day dedicated to it!)
5 Cinco de Mayo, National Hoagie Day, and Oyster Day (So this could be a messy messy day if you combined all three celebrations into one.)
6 Beverage Day, National Tourist Appreciation Day, and No Diet Day (Drink a lot, don’t shoot the tourist, and eat anything you want.)
7 International Tuba Day (Please no)
8 No Socks Day (I’ve got nothing here)
9 Lost Sock Memorial Day (WOW)
11 Eat What You Want Day (Well ya considering the 6th)
12 Fatigue Syndrome Day (It’s a Thursday this year I can see that.)
14 Birth Mother's Day (See I need this day because I’ve got way to many mom’s lol)
15 National Chocolate Chip Day (Chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.)
16 Love a Tree Day (Not that kind of love pervert.)
17 Pack Rat Day (A day for me.)
18 No Dirty Dishes Day and Visit Your Relatives Day (These two just belong together.)
20 National Be a Millionaire Day (I’ll participate in this one if you provide the million!)
24 National Escargot Day (I’d like to say yuck but I’ve never tried it.)
30 Water a Flower Day (Just one don’t over do it.)31 National Macaroon Day, Save Your Hearing Day, and World No Tobacco Day (Eat macaroons while wearing ear plugs so you don’t hear your significant other screaming that he or she needs a cigarette.)

Today in history Gideon Sundback of Hoboken, N.J. patented the zipper. (1913) That was a very important invention so why are we not celebrating that? We could even have a following celebration to protect the penis from the zipper.

Getting my bearings…

2005-04-25T11:46:00.000-07:00

As you can see, I started this blog at a horrible time. I really should have known better. I mean tax season was sneaking up on me and here I was thinking gee I think I'll start writing. Duh, I know better! I barely had time to eat, sleep, and throw on clothing this season never mind take the time to write complete sentences.

So, what has happened during the last four months? Well let's see. I have had two deaths in the family one Aunt and one Uncle, on opposites sides of the tree. I was not particularly close to either one but I am from a very tight knit family and it hurts me to see my family hurt. I also had one friend pass on. A loving, caring woman who most definitely did not deserve to go the way she did. I did not share this last death with a whole lot of people, something that is somewhat rare for me considering I usually speak first and then regret the stupid things that come out of my mouth later.

There has been one more marriage in the family and this one is from the next to the last of the eligible siblings left. Guess who the last one is?? Oh, come on guess!! Yah that's right, according to a wide family poll the eldest of ten, and the only one of marriageable age to not be shackled in marriage, or have children at this time is (drum roll please) me. That interesting tidbit has been repeated way too much in the emails flying back and forth regarding this wedding. (I love my family so much I could shoot them at times.) To top off this year in weddings I have been informed I will be attending two very different weddings and I am expected to smile at both apparently something I am not known to do at weddings.

My best friend has broken up with her boyfriend of a year and is now planning to move to either Vermont or some other place to damned far away from me.

To top the wild months of winter off there are so many females knocked up or fast approaching due dates that I can not keep up. When did this baby craze happen? I know I am of the age group where this stuff happens but I did not get the memo about breeding in packs!! (No offense to my hormonally challenged friends intended of course.)

With me personally despite a few medical mishaps none of which I want to whine about at this moment, Its been a fairly good year for me. I have my Associates graduation ceremonies in June and my first Pennsic to prepare for. Oh and I think this time I have found the one. (gasp, hand to forehead, queue the romantic music) Maybe I'm wrong but I don't know, he seems pretty damned perfect right now.

2005-02-19T14:14:00.000-08:00

Caught in a web of paperwork

The first turn… I think I’ll go left

2005-01-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

Why me? What am I doing here? Well you see it's like this. One minute I'm writing a paper on the Great Gatsby and the next I'm receiving an email from www.anarchyzen.blogspot.com/ and from there I'm wandering to http://www.dehuman8.blogspot.com/ and now well.... I think I I can admit it to you but don't tell anyone ok. I'm doing it to avoid homework. Yes that's right. I only have two weeks left in my Associates program and now I want to avoid homework. I'm lazy, truly I am, I hate having to do stuff but I'm bored when I'm not doing anything. I'd be miserable if I had everything handed to me but man wouldn't I love to have it all done for me. I'm just a very confused little girl. Well not so little anymore. I can't even fake the sweet and innocent crap. I've become a bit cynical. Oh I'm still about wanting happiness and love and forever after but now I belief it won't ever be perfect. There will always be taxes, sickness, crime, and perversions of nature and spirit in this world. That last was by no means in reference to any of my friends no matter how hard you try and yes I realize I listed taxes first. There's reasons behind everyone's lose of faith in themselves or their spirit. My cynicism snunk up on me when I was little, it introduced itself very politely, asked me if I wanted to play, and when I said no it hit me in the head and left me with a big gaping wound. It's become infected by wrong desions in my life, misrepresentations of dreams, personal failings, as well as internal and external abuse upon the soul. There have been many times when I or some other caring individual has cleaned out the wound, sterilized it, bandaged it, and taken care for awhile to tend it properly but eventually it becomes a boring vigil of walking on egg shells and not worth it anymore. I know I'm irrational but hey I'm not hiding it. I know who I am and I know what I'm doing. I also know life makes no sense and I'm not just going to go with the flow anymore. Long live the irrational beating of the female heart.